Free My Mind

I wanna cry today  I'm not really sure why  But all I want to do right now is cry  Crawl up into a ball and cry until the world is ended  I don’t know if it’s exhaustion or just plain old depression popping up for it’s daily visit  But all I want to do is cry  I'm tired of people  And uncertainty  And plans that will be canceled before they could even begin  Nothing goes right  Something always falls off the wagon or is displaced and im left to pick up the pieces of a shattered mess  One week  I only wanted one week and now I won’t be getting it  I know I won’t be getting it  Leo doesn’t want to deal with Ravi  And they probably won’t have a house ready by the time we’re meant to go  So once again I’m left in the dust  The sand caked inside my lungs and burning within my body I don’t even know if I want to go anymore  I don’t even know if I want to do anything anymore  Everything I plan falls to ruin  And then there is nothing I can do about it  I can’t be happy  Or feel joy  I

2019 We’ve reached the end of the year The end of a decade This year has had many ups and downs  Some with unimaginable outcomes  For starters, it was the first full year without my mom My first full year without a mother’s guidance  My first full year without a mother’s love My first full year completely on my own But in this I’ve filled the void by letting in new friends  And allowing older ones to move in deeper  The biggest low of this year though was seeing what it’s like when a person is truly two-faced I’ve seen that no matter how long you may have known a person They can always be someone completely different on the inside  But I’ve learned from my mistakes and have left them in the past  Where they belong  They will stay in this year  But with the loss of one,  I have gained three  Three amazing friends that I will hold in my heart for as long as they will allow me I’ve witnessed the beautiful night skies of Ohio with them Driven do

I was so happy this morning  So much so I felt like nothing could dampen it.  The 2 am wake-up call to watch seven of my favorite people seemed like the beginning of a great day. And then I fell back asleep, I let myself give in to the tiredness of my brain And allowed some of the happiest moments of my day to follow me to sleep.  When I woke up, the world was back to normal.  A world I am tired of dealing with.  A world I am tired of living in.  A world where I stress more than I smile.  A world where I force myself to stay quiet rather than be heard.  A world where everyday feels like a battle to keep going.  There are fleeting moments, Like the ones this morning,  Where no matter the godforsaken hour of the morning, I am truly happy.  They are the only ones who can do that...  Who can make me truly happy. Most of my family aggravates me.  Most of my friends live too far away to enjoy their company. And the rest of the world is just... nothin

I’m fine  It’s become such a part of my daily speech I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be it  To be fine  To not lie to the face of everyone I encounter  To not worry about the flood of tears hidden behind my eyes Doomed to erupt at any moment without control or consent I want to be fine  I want to not feel like every second of everyday I scramble through life in a fog  A dense, ever thickening fog Draining the air from my lungs Stumbling in the darkness never to find the light  Every step I take sets me back ten more There’s no use in turning around and cheating I’m so far from the start that it’s become useless to even try   I want to feel happy and excited about my life  Not dreading every day to come  I want to stop feeling like swimming up for air  Is doing nothing but dragging me down further I want to go back to when my life was good Before I lied everyday about how I was feeling  Before I put on a fake smile for every person I enco

It’s back  The darkness is back  The need to sit in a dark room and cry has returned  The need to nothing but wallow in sorrows  I wanted nothing more than to spend the weekend with my friends  To enjoy their company  To celebrate my 21st birthday  But the curse has reared its ugly head again The curse that brought about many dark times on my birthday  It never fails  It comes in the form of weather normally  But this year it wants to curse me this way  It wants me to sit alone in a dark room  Crying for friendship and company  It wants me to see just how lonely I am  To force me to see that I have no control  And everything in my life is doomed to be destroyed in a flood of tears  I hate my birthday  I hate it with a passion now  I used to wonder why people hated their birthdays  But I get it now  It means nothing more than another year of pain  Of stress and mental breakdowns  Of tears and sorrow Of loneliness I don’t want to cele

My mask I’ve worn it so long I’ve forgotten what it looked like  I’ve forgotten what I look like  I've forgotten who the hell I am  Who I was  Who I want to be  Everyone in my life has seen my mask I’ve learned to wear it well  Few have seen beyond it  And only those few know my secrets  My deepest secrets But even they haven't seen it all  There’s a mask in every part of my life  At home In school With family  Everywhere I have a mask  I wear a mask  Most people don’t even realize it's there  They don't realize that the me they see  Is not the me inside  They don't know the dreams I feel I’m losing  They don't know the darkness that lives in my mind  They don't know the life I've lost They don't know anything  And I feel that no one does  No one knows how deep my secrets go  The dark places my mind can wander if I don't control it  They don't know anything  And I’m beginning