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who am i anymore?

What has my life become? 
It’s a question I ask myself on the daily now 
Am I doomed to live here forever,
Stuck in a house that doesn’t feel like home? 
Am I going to live a lonely life,
No friends in town or love to hold? 
Everything in my life has lost meaning now
I don’t want to be here or there
I don’t even want to be in this world most days 
The depression has clawed its way back,
Cementing itself in my life again. 
I thought I got rid of it, 
I thought the friends I had helped get rid of it 
But now I see it more than ever 
Alone in an old house 
Alone in a life i don’t want to live anymore 
I’m here but nowhere at the same time 
My face is not my face
But a mask everyone has become so accustomed to they’ve forgotten who I am inside
It’s easy to fake a smile 
But I’ve faked for so long I don’t know who I am anymore 
Am I dead or am I living? 
Am I even here right now? 
Am I who I want to be anymore? 
I never asked to be so dark and lonely 
To cry silent tears in the night 
I never asked for a darkness so large to devour me
Like a black-hole swallowing a universe
I never asked to feel like this 
Every day 
Day in. 
Day out. 
To feel like a failure
Like I’ll never be good enough 
Like everything in my life means nothing 
These standards in my life
Are invisible to people
But I see them 
I see that they want me to do more 
More than I ever possibly can 
They want me to do things 
Be things 
I never can be 
I’ll never live up to the standards 
They’re society’s 
They’re my family’s 
They’re everyone around me standards 
I'm drowning in them like I'm drowning in darkness 
Never to reach what has been set 
Never to see the light of day again

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