Skip to main content

An Anniversary

Originally wrote this on August 11th, 2019

As I drive
There is a picturesque clear blue sky above me 
With fluffy white clouds that look as though they are straight out Andy's room from Toy Story 
It's an anniversary, but not a pleasant one. 
We're supposed to celebrate weddings, birthdays, debuts. 
But today is one year since death 
Today is a day we celebrate death, we mourn again 
The memories of last year coming back in full force. 
I don't know how to feel today. 
I feel like I can brave face my way through it, but inside I'm full of darkness. 
My only light today will be music, I know this because it is always my light 
Always the thing shining the brightest 
Always there when no one else is 
I listen to Winter Bear on repeat right now
The beauty that Taehyung created 
My grandma tells me that it was on the news, that now he's going solo
I try to explain that they've done solo stuff for years while on break but now I think only of the announcement this morning 
'An extended vacation' is what Big Hit calls it
But I am only reminded of the 'hiatus' 4 years ago and then I panic 
I panic that the men I've grown to love with my entire being will disappear like the past ones 
I panic that the day has come where everything will go silent again 
I panic that they will leave like the last ones 
But my friend reminds me that they are not them
That BTS is not One Direction 
That they will come back, unlike them 
And I can only hope that she's right 
I can only hope that my brain will listen to my heart for once 
So today, on the one year anniversary of death
I hope for a bright future filled with much music 
And a vacation, though well deserved, that doesn't last too long. 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2019

2019 We’ve reached the end of the year The end of a decade This year has had many ups and downs  Some with unimaginable outcomes  For starters, it was the first full year without my mom My first full year without a mother’s guidance  My first full year without a mother’s love My first full year completely on my own But in this I’ve filled the void by letting in new friends  And allowing older ones to move in deeper  The biggest low of this year though was seeing what it’s like when a person is truly two-faced I’ve seen that no matter how long you may have known a person They can always be someone completely different on the inside  But I’ve learned from my mistakes and have left them in the past  Where they belong  They will stay in this year  But with the loss of one,  I have gained three  Three amazing friends that I will hold in my heart for as long as they will allow me I’ve witnessed t...
Post a Comment
Read more

the curse of my birthday

It’s back  The darkness is back  The need to sit in a dark room and cry has returned  The need to nothing but wallow in sorrows  I wanted nothing more than to spend the weekend with my friends  To enjoy their company  To celebrate my 21st birthday  But the curse has reared its ugly head again The curse that brought about many dark times on my birthday  It never fails  It comes in the form of weather normally  But this year it wants to curse me this way  It wants me to sit alone in a dark room  Crying for friendship and company  It wants me to see just how lonely I am  To force me to see that I have no control  And everything in my life is doomed to be destroyed in a flood of tears  I hate my birthday  I hate it with a passion now  I used to wonder why people hated their birthdays  But I get it now  It means nothing more than another year of pai...
Post a Comment
Read more

My Mask

My mask I’ve worn it so long I’ve forgotten what it looked like  I’ve forgotten what I look like  I've forgotten who the hell I am  Who I was  Who I want to be  Everyone in my life has seen my mask I’ve learned to wear it well  Few have seen beyond it  And only those few know my secrets  My deepest secrets But even they haven't seen it all  There’s a mask in every part of my life  At home In school With family  Everywhere I have a mask  I wear a mask  Most people don’t even realize it's there  They don't realize that the me they see  Is not the me inside  They don't know the dreams I feel I’m losing  They don't know the darkness that lives in my mind  They don't know the life I've lost They don't know anything  And I feel that no one does  No one knows how deep my secrets go  The dark places my mind can wander if I don't co...
Post a Comment
Read more