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An Anniversary

Originally wrote this on August 11th, 2019

As I drive
There is a picturesque clear blue sky above me 
With fluffy white clouds that look as though they are straight out Andy's room from Toy Story 
It's an anniversary, but not a pleasant one. 
We're supposed to celebrate weddings, birthdays, debuts. 
But today is one year since death 
Today is a day we celebrate death, we mourn again 
The memories of last year coming back in full force. 
I don't know how to feel today. 
I feel like I can brave face my way through it, but inside I'm full of darkness. 
My only light today will be music, I know this because it is always my light 
Always the thing shining the brightest 
Always there when no one else is 
I listen to Winter Bear on repeat right now
The beauty that Taehyung created 
My grandma tells me that it was on the news, that now he's going solo
I try to explain that they've done solo stuff for years while on break but now I think only of the announcement this morning 
'An extended vacation' is what Big Hit calls it
But I am only reminded of the 'hiatus' 4 years ago and then I panic 
I panic that the men I've grown to love with my entire being will disappear like the past ones 
I panic that the day has come where everything will go silent again 
I panic that they will leave like the last ones 
But my friend reminds me that they are not them
That BTS is not One Direction 
That they will come back, unlike them 
And I can only hope that she's right 
I can only hope that my brain will listen to my heart for once 
So today, on the one year anniversary of death
I hope for a bright future filled with much music 
And a vacation, though well deserved, that doesn't last too long. 

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